Sandra Cheng Shares Snippets about "Peer Advocacy" in Mental Health

THE WHATSIT

Drinking the Kool-Aid because ICE is coming… Oh Yeah!

My generation has a lot of fear, which probably explains the love of horror movies lately. I’m also someone who loves to read and watch things that scare me, probably because it is cathartic.

But sometimes I need to unwind by facing those fears and deciding which ones are “real” and which ones are coming from inside of my mind’s eye. I’m not saying fears are not real. All feelings are real. My discerning eye just wants to provide self-care that does not discriminate vs. feelings over my own logic.

Stand up Comedy has been a cathartic way of dealing with some of the fears while serving it up for myself, as something that I might want to laugh at. Rather than putting anyone down, my focus is on finding the silly madness that my life has had to offer, things that could be seen as blessings shaken up & turnt around.

Living between two coasts

I have been bi-coastal for almost 25 years since landing here in 2002 for my first grad school experience at USC in Los Angeles. My family still lives in New Jersey.

My watch just told me to “move around” and I’m literally doing the “Trump dance” (fists alternating up and down) to Bad Bunny because I’m trying to finish this newsletter within my deadline of 6 hours from now.

I woke up early after sleeping poorly tonight and sleeping late last night. I can’t seem to catch a regular circadian rhythm lately. How do I spell that again?

This is my birthday month, and I’ve decided to stay here on the west coast because of a real need for some more physical therapy. In this holiday season, it’s been hard even to get a quick evaluation from my referral. I have another week to wait.

In the meantime, I’m looking at my progress and losses with my fight against pain in general, which seems to never cease. It’s hard to feel it with time running so slowly and so few true and obvious markers to judge it by. There is a zeno’s paradox - where searching for the pain sometimes appears to be the origin of the pain.

I’m hoping that this holiday season, while my partner is away, I’ll find some respite at home because I have not found my “groove” yet, and I’m hoping to figure it out. I’ve looked for meaningful purpose in a lot of places now. It’s not a fruitless search, but I’m still a feeling a little lost.

A diagnosis is not just a Doctor’s excuse
to be “less than”…

It’s an opportunity for peer to peer learning about what more recovery could look like.

What do police have to do with my mental health, and why do I trust anyone like that?

As a young adult, I had a hard time trusting most people. I was shy, and I often didn’t speak up for myself even when I was uncomfortable. You might say I was the picture perfect of an oppressed minority raised by a culture that saw value in keeping people safe with conformity and unspoken principles. Yet within my own shell, I had angst, anxiety, and depression making cracks and putting writing on the wall.

I have had the police called to do a welfare check multiple times in my life. My response to each of them, although my mood was often angry, I felt like each of them really wanted to help, and often I wanted to do what they told me.

Recently I had been volunteering for the Crisis Response Team. I decided to stop doing it when I realized the Pandemic was in full tow, and then I tried to come back to it a few years later. It didn’t work out for me, but I was happy to help when I could.

One of the things I learned working with them is that when we are out there supporting the community, sacred silence is one of the most important things we can offer. Being a liaison means being able to spot their current and immediate needs while sharing that respectfully to both them and any other person involved.

When I had been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons, I entrusted the police to bring me there. That had not been an option in my world-view until they brought it to my attention that it might be what I needed.

I’m privileged to have been able to see myself though their eyes at that time. Being from a family where people may have been on the spectrum and not been open with or mindful of that, I still have a lot to learn about appropriate relationships.

Sometimes I find myself feeling a bit like a victim and wondering if I did anything wrong. That can be an easy fear to fall inside of, and sometimes it takes me to very dark places. There’s nothing wrong with feelings those feelings.

I have clutter in my life, and sometimes I imagine that all my problems might be connected because I wish it were that simple. But when I victimize myself and normalize that, I might find myself doing the same to someone else, and that could never be “normal” unless I am trying to jeopardize that relationship.

I understand why it’s important to be willing to speak up and out against authority figures that are repressive and often attempting to reinforce the status quo that may often make me seem “less than”, yet I do see the value in having fresh perspectives, even if “fresh” is fleetingly subjective.

WHY DOES ANIMATION AFFECT ME SO MUCH?

Saturday Morning cartoons & Saturday Night Live

When I was in high school, I came home so depressed one day, I couldn’t stop crying. I knew I was feeling suicidal, but it came out all wrong. I asked my father for something to help me sleep forever. And he did, but I didn’t wake up in any normal amount of time, and I didn’t wake up in my right mind. I felt like I was still dreaming, as if my body needed to be awake, but my mind was still sleeping somewhere just out of reach. I felt numb and like my world was not real.

One of the only things that helped me feel “real” was when I was laughing. I remember laughing at some of the SNL scenes from the Christopher Walken bits where he treats the cameraman as a woman he is seducing. I really needed those laughs, not just to wake up, but to feel like I was real and that life was good again.

I still lucid dream SNL scenes that feel so real. I haven’t fully given up my ideal career path of animating or directing my own films, but as I age, I find myself wondering what might have been if I hadn’t made some of the choices I had, if I hadn’t been as scared as I still can be of who I could be.

I love cartoons. I imagined writing about a bunch of my favorites for this newsletter, but then worried about the copyright issues. I’ll look into it again for a future issue. Maybe I’ll sneak something in, or maybe I’ll write up my own. I just know that comedy in all its forms can be healthy and supportive. I hope it helps bring more life to someone who may have been as depressed as I used to be.

Where do we go when we die?

This is one of those questions that defines spirituality, religion, and a lot of ethical or moral debates that different cultures might have about our lives. I’m not sure, but I think the way we think about it affects all of our life choices, so it’s important to keep analyzing it when it makes sense to be bold enough to do so.

This is one of the reasons I love watching science fiction; there are a lot of debates to be had just with something like artificial intelligence and the way we choose to deal with it, especially as more and more people embrace it. Practically speaking our reality shifts with near death experiences… which just makes me wonder even more.

Is there anything in particular that we would tell our younger selves today?

It’s okay to be alone. Hearing voices is just another expression of that. They may not feel like our own voices, but for me, embracing them as my own has been empowering. I can be just as strong just by being alone and owning all that including the feelings I’m having because of the voices.

I’m able to navigate some of the most confusing times of my life, and I’m still okay just by myself. No one has to validate me for me to see myself as okay. I don’t have to say or do anything in particular to make myself okay again. I don’t need a hero to fix anything unless that hero is me.

▶ Favorite Music Lately: Bad Bunny

▶ Comedian on repeat: Josh Johnson

▶ Current read: sewing love: handmade clothes for ANY body (by Sanae Ishida)

▶ Must-have game: TOTK (Legend of Zelda)

▶ Next New game: Smug Owls(cards)

WHAT’S IT LIKE BEING A PEER?

Supporting Recovery for people like me

Anyone interested in joining a local community support group? I’m part of "Wildflowers’ Movement” as a volunteer leader. Feel free to look us up on Eventbrite and register for one of our monthly meetings.

And if you are in Los Angeles, let us know if you are interested in meeting in person (and when).

https://wildflowersmovement.com

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